I had the week from hell last week, and here’s the rub of it:
I did it to myself.
Nothing was out of my control; nothing went disastrously wrong.
I didn’t oversleep or overflow the coffee maker or lock my keys in my trunk or have my lunch blow up in the microwave or break a glass bowl or drop a bottle of soda causing an explosion.
(Four of the above things DID happen to my dad last week, by the way, all in the SAME DAY.)
Instead, I sent myself into stress central by worrying, non-stop, about things I couldn’t yet decide.
See, it was stressful, last year, to make the decision to take time off from my teaching career. In fact, that stress, combined with working two jobs and going to grad school, is one of the primary reasons I believe my overeating issues began in the first place.
It is almost as stressful, now, to think about what I plan to do once my Nutrition degree is done.
Will I return to teaching? Will I find a way to practice nutrition coaching? Will I still be personal training? Will I turn this blog into something more financially fruitful? Will the sun come out tomorrow?
I was in such a ridiculous tizzy over these things last Tuesday that I couldn’t sleep that night. I spent the night on the couch, thinking too much, instead of getting the stress-relieving sleep I actually needed.
I didn’t feel all that much better on Wednesday, but I forced myself to think about other things instead. I worked out a little harder and longer than normal on Wednesday, and I had a busy client schedule Wednesday afternoon and evening to keep me sane.
By Thursday, I had decided that it was too much to think about all this right now; these decisions are not yet under my own control. I have things to accomplish RIGHT NOW — a degree to finish, clients to work with, and a life to live — that I should be focused on instead.
On Saturday, I started reading The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield, a book that’s technically about the artist (a writer) and how fear of being an artist (writer) cannot be allowed to get in the way of his work.
Pressfield calls this fear “Resistance,” as in our mind’s ability to actively resist a challenge because of our fear of the unknown outcome. The artist, for example, might resist pursuing his art out of fear — of failure, of lack of inspiration, of poor reviews, etc.
In fact, Pressfield says, the more we SHOULD pursue a calling, the more we will resist it:
“Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.”
Hi — that’s exactly how I felt about the decision to take time off from my teaching career.
It was scary, it was daunting, it was risky — and it was all the more so precisely because I knew what was at stake for my life, for my soul, if I didn’t take that year off.
Pressfield reminded me why this time is necessary for me and what’s at stake for me in the process.
Last week, time seemed to be closing in on me — the high school year is now more than halfway done. First semester exams were last week. Second semester started this week. And my Nutrition degree will be 90% done in May. I felt, last week, like the end of this phase of my life was approaching faster than I had realized — and I felt immense pressure, like I should have my sh*t in order by now.
That pressure made me panic a little — how could I let the end of this phase get here without knowing what I was doing next? The uncertainty felt overwhelming.
Pressfield rescued me again:
“The danger is greatest when the finish line is in sight. At this point, Resistance knows we’re about to beat it. It hits the panic button. It marshals one last assault and slam us with everything it’s got.”
Was last week my panic button?
I suspect it was only the first of a few panic buttons.
I still, after all, have no effing clue what I will be doing 6 months from now, 9 months from now, one year from now.
But, for now, I’m OK with uncertainty.
I’ve got work to do. Those tasks need my focus more than the uncertainty does.
And I have a feeling that getting my work done will cure that uncertainty anyhow.
I love this post! You’re working toward something — even if you haven’t fully identified the end goal yet — and you’re going to get there. Sure, it’s scary. But it’s awesome that the words in that book are helping to see you through. I’ve read that book myself, and I agree with the power of its message.
My career goal is to get out of a cubicle. I’d love to work from home. That’s why I’m hoping to be able to telecommute with my current employer once I move to Buffalo. But even if that’s NOT possible, I know that I need to pursue something that gets me out of a work environment where I’m chained to the same desk for 8.5-9 hours a day.
Telecommuting is AWESOME; I worked from home a few summers ago for a company I used to work for in grad school, and I loved it.
I will have to give that book a read. I ended up not reading the .mobi of the power of now that I sent you but rather rented it on amazons lending library. It’s a little woowoo and spiritual but the message is very similar to the one you described from The War of Art. I have absolutely no idea what it is I want to do at the end of my degree either, and while I know I have a lot more time than you left, I like to think about it like this: enjoy the process right now. When it’s time to figure out what to do, that will be THAT “now’s” process, but as of this point, just finish the degree. I almost feel like I will know what to do, or at least figure it out, when the time comes and until then it’s not my concern.
It’s like…. enjoying the fat loss process vs. being at the goal and why some folks are never happy with their results and keep trying to lose. Living in a constant state of waiting for the future sucks and I’m realizing more and more how often I do it and trying to stop.
“Living in a constant state of waiting for the future…”
That feels EXACTLY like what I was doing last week. Good choice of words.
Ive been reading your blog for awhile now..sorry just havent commented alot though. But Im in the same boat you were a year ago…gah….and honestly last week I had that same freak out! I was thinking about what the heck I was doing and all that fun stuff. Im so happy you came to peace with it a bit…makes things easier, eh? Im gonna have to check out that book for sure. I hope you have a wonderful weekend though. And try to relax!! =)
Thanks, Chrysta! I did relax (a massage helped LOL). I’m sure there’s another freak out in my future, but I am honestly just trying to enjoy things for now!
Sounds like my four years at OPHS–every g-dd–n spring, starting in February, I began to get sick to my stomach as I waited to see whether or not I had a job the following year. And then, when I didn’t, while unemployment felt absolutely terrifying, it also felt freeing because I got to take time to see what I really wanted to do…and I discovered it wasn’t teaching. The realization astonished me. So then I had minor (and major) freakouts about what the hell I would do instead–you’ve at least got that hurdle behind you! Somewhere the voice inside you knows what you want for yourself and what’s best for you. When you think about going back to teaching, what’s your gut reaction? What’s that reaction when you think about marshaling your talents in a different direction that’s more nutrition and fitness-based?
Good luck figuring it all out–I know you will.
My gut is always right. That’s probably why it literally feels sick from the weight of my stress LOL.